


I would paint the ambivalence in my chest black and white

by hawkatie



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Attempt at Humor, I think?, Light Angst, M/M, Pining, Possibly Unrequited Love, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2019-04-11
Packaged: 2019-09-22 09:22:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17057105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hawkatie/pseuds/hawkatie
Summary: He swallowed through the stone in his throat and smiled back at Javier.“I should go.” He all but whispered and put his mask back on, which caused Javier to move his hand from his neck to his arm.“Yuzuru-”“It’s okay, I understand. I have to go, my mom is waiting for me.” He bowed his head in parting and left Javier in the sprinkling snow.-Or: Yuzuru pines so hard he almost becomes a tree.





	1. my feelings are so strong that I can't put them into words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can't write a 3000 word essay for uni but can write over 10000 words of fic apparently
> 
> Kind of a future fic bc our bish taking his time to heal, as he should <3, but also scenes from the past.
> 
>  
> 
> ~~eta: hover for translation (only works on desktop)~~

_-_

_2015, November_

 

The cold wind pricked his skin like needles as he secured his mask over his face. Yuzuru looked up and only saw the small sprinkles of snow as they cascaded under the light of the lamppost. He tightened his scarf around his neck and felt the warm presence beside him before the Spaniard spoke.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“Fine, thank you. How are you?” he replied automatically and shook his head to get rid of the snowflakes that had landed in his hair. He had forgotten his hat at home and wanted to get out of the cold quickly. He turned to Javier and smiled a goodbye, crinkling his eyes extra because his mouth was covered.

 

“That’s not what I meant. You’ve been…” Javier trailed off thinking of what to say, but he didn’t have to finish because Yuzuru knew exactly what he meant. He tilted his head to the side and took his mask off his face and tucked it into his pocket. He breathed in the crisp air and followed the fog of his breath as he exhaled. He hummed in agreement with Javier and noticed that the sprinkles of snow came down slightly heavier, but still light. He also noticed how they were the only two in the parking lot of the cricket club. He noticed a lot because he didn’t want to look at Javier right now.

 

“You know you can talk to me if you want.” Yuzuru finally looked at Javier and admired his eyes. They held such warmth for Yuzuru, such affection, and maybe something more. Maybe it was the warmth in Javier’s eyes or the slight up tilt of his mouth, or maybe it was the sprinkles of snow that absorbed the sounds of the evening traffic around them which caused the quiet as if they were in their own personal bubble – which caused Yuzuru to confess.

 

“I’m in love with you.” Yuzuru forced himself to maintain eye contact with Javier. He didn’t miss how Javier’s eyes softened at this and didn’t expect Javier to place his hand on the side of his neck.

 

“I know.” Javier smiled at Yuzuru – a smile that Yuzuru hadn’t seen before.  

 

“Do you hate me?” Yuzuru whispered out a fog that dissipated quickly into the air.

 

“No, but I don’t love you either. Not like that.” Yuzuru’s breath hitched and he felt the tell-tale sting in his eyes. Javier was still smiling the same smile and Yuzuru realised now that it was one of pity. He swallowed through the stone in his throat and smiled back at Javier.

 

“I should go.” He all but whispered and put his mask back on, which caused Javier to move his hand from his neck to his arm.

 

“Yuzuru-”

 

“It’s okay, I understand.” _I wouldn’t love me either_. “I have to go. My mom is waiting for me.” He bowed his head in parting and left Javier in the sprinkling snow.

 

- 

 _2019,_ _January_

 

Yuzuru wanted to run his hands through those brown curls. He wanted to feel those hands on his waist and wanted that smile directed towards him.

 

Why was he thinking this today? He was used to Javier been right there in front of him, beside him, but still out of reach. Today he was being pathetic. More pathetic than usual. Maybe it was because he was injured. _Again_. Maybe it was also because he knew this was the last time Javier would be in the cricket club training for a competition. Javier was retiring and he was leaving Toronto. Leaving him.

 

It was odd because Yuzuru was never jealous of the various girlfriends Javier had over the years. Jealousy was an ugly emotion. But he was jealous of the people Javier treated the same as he treated Yuzuru, because that meant he wasn’t anything special to Javier, not at all like how Javier was special to him. He hated that emotion and tried to avoid it at all costs. He had found out how to convert that emotion into something good in other areas of his life. When Boyang landed the quad Lutz, he was jealous but took that emotion and compressed it – and out came motivation. Motivation to do better, motivation from watching all these younger skaters add incredible technical prowess to their arsenal and adding it to his own, motivation to push himself to add what they didn’t have and to make his quads better than theirs.

 

Motivation bred from jealousy in his skating and his studies, why couldn’t the same be done here?

 

He jumped slightly at Brian in his face. “Yuzuru seriously?” Yuzuru tilted his head at Brian’s heavy exhale. “You’re not supposed to be jumping doubles and you jump a triple Axel?” Yuzuru’s eyes almost bulged out of his head because he didn’t even intend to jump one, he was only going through the motions. Brian opened his mouth but got distracted by Tracy calling him from the doorway to their office. He skated over to her without saying another word to Yuzuru and entered the office without putting his skate guards on.

 

“Brian’s going to have your head.” Javier tutted and skated circles around Yuzuru. He tracked Javier with his eyes and at the right time he smacked the side of his leg. Javier yelped and began to tickle Yuzuru’s sides.

 

“Yuzuru.” Brian shouted over the giggling fit Yuzuru was going in to. Javier stopped tickling him but laughed as Yuzuru tried to compose himself and shouted back at Brian that he’d be right there.

 

“Brian’s going to send you home.” Javier said while squeezing Yuzuru’s waist. Yuzuru credited his flushed cheeks to the tickle assault Javier had just put him through.

 

“No. I was going home anyway.” Javier threw his head back and laughed loudly, exposing his throat. Yuzuru still credited his pink cheeks to Javier, but this time for a different reason.

 

He put his skate guards on and bent down to bid the ice farewell for now. He knocked once on the opened office door and bowed his head slightly at Brian as he signalled him in.

 

“Yuzuru, I know you have a team and I trust them completely. Whatever you decide I-”

 

“Brian,” Yuzuru stopped what was probably going to be a long speech, “it was an accident.” He smiled as Brian scoffed because an accidental triple Axel was funny. “I’m honestly not trying to be reckless here. I want what’s best for my health and I will not try any more jumps in the future that my medical team doesn’t think is safe yet, don’t worry.”

 

“I know.” Yuzuru tilted his head and smiled when Brian did. “I’m proud of you. You’ve really matured over the years and especially after this second Olympics. You’re putting your health over your skating and it’s been nice to watch you grow.” Something swelled in Yuzuru’s chest and he bowed his head at the compliment.

 

“I can’t skate if I’m not healthy.” He half-joked.

 

“Yes, but you didn’t always think that way.” Brian gave him a knowing look and Yuzuru understood. He wasn’t cautious per se, but he did want a choice in what happened to his skating career and when it ended.

 

“Thank you, Brian.” He took Brian’s hand in both of his and bowed deeply to show his respect and thanks. He scrunched up his nose and crinkled his eyes as he smiled a goodbye at Brian.

 

After taking his skates off and zipping up his jacket he texted his mom that he would be out shortly. He felt ice hit the side of his face as he got up and glared at Javier.

 

“See you tomorrow [mi amigo]()?” Yuzuru pursed his lips to stop himself from smiling back at Javier.

 

“Yes [baka](). Bye.” He smiled as Javier bent down to pick up more of the loosened shards of ice but was gone before he could throw it at Yuzuru.

 

“Baka.” Yuzuru whispered to himself.

 

–

“You do the math”

 

“No I’m on my study break. You do it!”

 

Javier rolled his eyes at him but couldn’t help but laugh at the indignation in his voice. 

 

“Ok so there are six people going, and my five seater car can only sit five butts which means only five pe-“

 

“But you have big butt.” Yuzuru dodged the hand flying at his head and stuck his tongue out at Javier. 

 

“That’s fine, because you’re not riding with me.” Javier took a gulp of his green tea that Yuzuru had brought just for him. Ungrateful. 

 

“Please Javier, I always wanted to ride you.” Javier sprayed some tea on the table between them and Yuzuru raised an eyebrow. Now Javier was wasting his tea? “What? It’s a new car I haven’t been inside yet.” He whined as Javier started to laugh at him. 

 

“You mean ride with me?” Javier forced out through his giggles and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. 

 

“Same difference.” Yuzuru rolled his eyes and dropped a few tissues from Pooh-san onto the table. 

 

“No not the same. Ride with me means riding _in_ a car but ride me means...” he trailed off and ducked his head while he rubbed the back of his neck. Yuzuru had never seen a more cliché form of embarrassment that he thought only existed on the tv he watched in the cricket club lounge sometimes. 

 

“Yes?” Yuzuru urged Javier to continue but he only shook his head and cleaned up the table in front of him. 

 

Brian walked in and only arched his eyebrow at Javier scrubbing at the table. He poured himself a cup of water from the fridge dispenser and brought it to his lips.

 

“Brian what does it mean when I say I want to ride Javier?” Brian sputtered on air because he didn’t even take a sip of his drink yet. He put down his cup of water and walked closer to the pair. 

 

“What?” Brian was holding in a laugh, Yuzuru could tell, but he also looked confused. 

 

“He doesn’t want to take me with in his car because I made fun of his big butt.”

 

“Oohhhhhh.” Brian drew out his relief much longer than was necessary and this time Yuzuru arched his eyebrow. 

 

“Why? What did I mean?” Yuzuru scrunched up his nose because that didn’t sound right, but Brian understood what he meant. 

 

“Well it means…” or maybe not. Yuzuru sighed and waved his hand through the air. 

 

“It’s okay. I’ll ask mom.” He shrugged and wrapped his hands around his mug. 

 

“No!” Yuzuru only jumped slightly as the other two basically shouted at him. They shared a look and Javier shook his head which caused Brain to shake his. 

 

“Is this a secret code?” Yuzuru raised both eyebrows and didn’t like the confusion he was feeling. It made him feel left out over something they both apparently understood but didn’t want to share with him. 

 

“Um.” Javier started eloquently. Apparently, no one could finish sentences today. Jason walked in and smiled at the three of them. Yuzuru ignored the two as they spoke in their secret code and waved at Jason to get his attention.

 

“What does it mean when-” he felt a pain in his shin and glared daggers at Javier. “Javier, did you kick me?” he prided himself as Javier shrunk in on himself a little and shook his head.

 

“Yuzuru maybe don’t ask that.” Brian said gently.

 

“Why? You won’t tell me what it means when I say I want to ride Javier.” Jason sprayed water onto the floor and laughed loudly.

 

“Oh my god what?” Jason covered his mouth with his hand and laughed louder this time. “It’s a sex thing Yuzuru.” He said through his hand and bent down to clean the water off of the floor.

 

Yuzuru glanced at Javier quickly but looked away before he could catch his eyes. He could feel a flush run through his whole body and began to sweat a little from the unexpected warmth. He hoped his face wasn’t as red as it felt. Yuzuru got up with Pooh-san because Jason had nothing to clean the water up with, and he needed to get away from Javier as fast as possible. He hurried over and plucked a few tissues out and crouched down to clean up the floor.

 

“Let me-” Yuzuru nodded before Jason could finish and almost ran from the room and left the tissues on the floor for Jason to use.

 

- 

Yuzuru had been ignoring Javier every chance he got since the incident three days ago, but when Tracy paired them up for stroking exercises he couldn’t think up a legitimate excuse not to partake. At least that’s what he logically knew but his mouth had its own ideas.

 

“Why? I’m two-time Olympic champion I don’t need to do this.” Tracy looked visibly taken aback and Yuzuru clamped his mouth shut. Luckily it was only the three of them in the corner and he would’ve given up the quad Axel for Brian if he asked when he started to laugh.

 

“That’s funny Yuzuru.” Yuzuru also started to laugh to sell the joke he didn’t make but Tracy seemed convinced and began to laugh along with them.

 

“Oh, Yuzu you got me.” She said through her laugh and tried to get Javier’s attention – which wasn’t hard as he was staring straight at Yuzuru - and motioned him over.

 

“What’s so funny over here?” Javier asked as he put his arm around Tracy but kept staring at Yuzuru. Yuzuru scratched his nose and looked at the Spanish flag on the side of Javier’s boots.

 

“Nothing, Yuzuru just making a joke.” Tracy motioned with her feet and hands of what they needed to do and Yuzuru paid strict attention. Unlike Javier who was still staring at him. Brian must have noticed as Yuzuru could see Javier getting elbowed in the corner of his eye. They started to whisper something after Tracy had left to attend to some of the other skaters on the rink. Yuzuru paid them no mind and took off his skate guards. He bent down to touch the ice and almost fell over when he felt hands on his hips but steadied himself with his toe pick.

 

“Why are you ignoring me?” Javier had his hands on his own hips now and tilted his head slightly to one side.

 

“I’m not.” Yuzuru lied and he didn’t even try to cover up the fact. “Let’s start.” He turned around and skated to gain speed before starting the stroking exercises. They did the same exercises side by side and Yuzuru could still feel Javier’s eyes on him. The exercise wasn’t the only thing that made him grow hot. When they finished their first round of stroking Tracy motioned them over and showed them what to do next.

 

Yuzuru took off his long-sleeved under armour and noticed Javier staring again. This time he couldn’t fault him, because the inside of his long-sleeved was bright red which contrasted to his black short-sleeved underneath. They both nodded when Tracy finished and got to work on more stroking.

 

“You were ignoring me Yuzu.” He paid Javier no attention and changed his edges faster to gain more speed and distance himself from Javier. It worked but only for a short while. Javier neared the distance and spoke again, “it was a mistake, I know what you actually meant.” Yuzuru bit his lip because he wasn’t about to tell Javier that what he actually said wasn’t a complete lie. It was an accident but after he searched what it meant, in an incognito tab, it wasn’t the worst idea that popped into his head. The idea wasn’t a good one to have in the middle of practice though, especially with Javier boring holes into his soul.

 

“Okay.”

 

“Okay?”

 

“Yes, we’re fine.” He smiled at Javier and skidded to a stop beside Tracy. Javier almost fell when he tried to abruptly stop his speed, which caused Yuzuru to laugh aloud. Javier laughed too and patted the small of Yuzuru’s back when he joined them.

 

“Finally, you two are okay.” Brian huffed but Yuzuru could see him smile before he turned to motion one of the other skaters over.

 -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mi amigo - my friend  
> バカ/Baka - fool/stupid


	2. 涙の味に慣れてしまった

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the feedback, in any way!
> 
> wow it took me so long to write that the next chapter will take place in the past 😅  
> The boy's are reunited so have some story progression (that takes place in the future) *throws confetti*

_-_

_2019, April - World Team Trophy_

 

Yuzuru brought his hands to his chest and stared up at the stars only he could see. The silence lasted for one second before applause and screams erupted from all around him. He opened up his arms and gracefully bowed to each side of the audience. He had conquered at Worlds and he had helped secure Japan into first place here as well.

 

Spring has come and so has he.

 

This gala was a bittersweet celebration. Yuzuru cried softly from behind the curtain as Javier skated to Prometo. He was glad there were no cameras pointed at him, and he stayed hidden enough that no fans captured a moment he wanted to keep private.

 

In a blink of an eye the short playback of his skate was over, and so was the gala finale. He was the last to leave the ice and bowed deeply to the audience. This season was rough, but he was thankful to all of his supporters and he shouted his thanks as loud as he could. He couldn’t help but smile as the audience thanked him in return. He went backstage feeling touched by how his fans were always there for him. He smiled as he passed skaters and high-fived others.

 

“Yuzuru, that was breathtaking.” Tracy hugged him tightly and rubbed circles onto his back. “I am so proud of you.” His breath caught in his chest as he drank in her sunshine smile. He bowed at Tracy and held both of her hands in his.

 

“Thank you very much.” They parted ways, but he knew he’d see her soon. After hugging both Ghislain and Brian he went to the changing rooms and got dressed as quickly as he could. There was a banquet in a of couple hours, and he wanted to call his parents before then. His mother had gone home, at Yuzuru’s convincing and Brian’s promise that he would take care of him, and his father and sister couldn’t make the trip to see him, but they promised they would watch him perform and he wanted to know what they had thought of his performances.

 

 He zipped up his small suitcase and only jumped slightly when he felt hands on his waist. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.” Javier said and caressed Yuzuru’s sides a little.

 

“You didn’t.” Yuzuru turned around in Javier’s arms and was brought into a hug by the Spaniard.

 

“You were great tonight.” Yuzuru laced his arms around Javier and stuck his face in the other skater’s neck. He could smell lavender with an undertone of sweat. He smelled like Javi and Yuzuru could stay in his arms the whole day. “Are you going home tonight?” Javier absentmindedly ran his hands all over Yuzuru’s sides and back. Yuzuru hummed and held on tighter when Javier’s grip loosened.

 

“No, banquet tonight, home tomorrow.” He mumbled into Javier’s shoulder and licked his lips which caused Javier to laugh.

 

“Yuzu did you just lick me?” this caused the warm glow Yuzuru was in to disappear and he unstuck his face from Javier’s neck.

 

“No. I licked my lips, sorry.” He laughed lightly but instantly stopped when Javier stared at his lips for a beat too long. Yuzuru was aware of how close they were. Javier’s hands were on the small of his back and his arms were resting on Javier’s shoulders. Yuzuru gasped softly when Javier’s eyes met his and then Yuzuru’s eyes flicked to Javier’s lips without intent.

 

“ _Why is the banquet so late though, who eats at eight?_ ” Javier looked to the door and nodded his head in greeting without letting go of Yuzuru.

 

“ _Eight isn’t even late, you just want to play video games in your room Shoma-kun_.” Satoko shot back in Japanese and smiled at the two. Javier tilted his head at Yuzuru and arched an eyebrow.

 

“What are they saying?” he whispered and let go of Yuzuru but cupped the side of his face for a second.

 

“Nothing important.” He murmured and picked up his suitcase from the floor. He bowed his head slightly at Javier and threw out a greeting to Satoko and Shoma. They bowed slightly to him and Satoko waved at Javi.

 

“Hey, so do you want to go down to the banquet together later?” Javier slung his arm around Yuzuru’s shoulder and continued walking with him towards the exit of the building, even though Yuzuru noted that he didn’t have his bag with him.

 

“Yeah, sure.” He smiled at Javi and scrunched up his nose when the furrow between Javi’s eyebrows didn’t disappear.

 

“Okay.” He smiled at Yuzuru and took his arm back, “it’s a date.” He turned around and walked back to the changing room with Yuzuru’s eyes on him the whole way.

 

_A date?_

 

- 

Yuzuru was half way up buttoning his shirt when there was a knock at the door. He passed by the mirror and turned around to quickly check that his shirt was completely tucked into his pants. He had finally gone in for a proper fitting and had a tailored suit that fit him in all the right places. He was still buttoning up his shirt but stopped when he looked through the peephole.

It was Javier. He looked down and unbuttoned one button before opening the door. He gave Javier a quick hug and motioned him inside. Yuzuru walked over to the mini fridge to get Javier a drink but stopped instead and looked over at the water bottles on the desk. When Yuzuru turned around to ask which drink Javier would like he flushed slightly when he realised where Javier was looking _before_ he had turned around. He turned back around and walked towards the bottles of water to give his cheeks time to cool down.

 

“You’re early.” Yuzuru grabbed two water bottles and took a breath before bringing them over to Javier, who was much closer than he expected and bumped right into him.

 

“Not really,” Javier chuckled and steadied Yuzuru by placing his hands on his waist. “I didn’t say what time I’d be here, just that I’d be here before the banquet.” He smiled and nodded his head once while he took one of the bottles of water from Yuzuru’s hand. “We haven’t had the chance to catch up.” It was true because Yuzuru took the World Team Trophy just as serious as his other competitions. Javier picked off a piece of fluff from Yuzuru’s shirt and Yuzuru realised again how close they were standing. Yuzuru jolted slightly at the cold touch on his chest and gasped softly when Javier came even closer.

 

“Nice necklace. Is this the one you’ve always worn?” Javier was so close he could count his eyelashes. He willed himself to breathe evenly or it would otherwise be obvious to Javier as he was coming even closer. “I’ve never looked at the details before.” Javier looked up at Yuzuru through his eyelashes when he got no response and gave him a small smile. “The beading is nice.”

 

“Thank you.” Yuzuru whispered through his dry throat. He could really use a drink of water but didn’t dare to move in case Javier backed away. Javier ran his hands along the necklace, which caused the back of his hand to brush along Yuzuru’s collarbones, and smiled down at the necklace.

 

Yuzuru was never afraid to go after what he wanted, and he _really_ wanted to kiss the Spaniard that was ten centimetres away from his face. He plunged into the deep end and kissed Javier like his life depended on it, a bit too forceful which caused Javier to drop his water bottle and stumble back but Yuzuru had a grip on his tight black pull over. Javier didn’t react the way he thought he would at all and slammed Yuzuru into the nearest wall, which caused him to also drop his water. His hands started to roam everywhere they could touch, and Javier started to kiss the side of Yuzuru’s neck. Yuzuru gripped at Javier’s hair and his brain short-circuited when he heard him moan for the first time. Javier unbuttoned more of Yuzuru’s shirt and pressed gently into his neck with his other hand. Yuzuru threw his head back and moaned when Javier started to suck at his neck.

 

“Wait, wait, wait.” Yuzuru gasped out and gently pushed Javier away. He physically distanced himself by taking a few steps away from the wall and Javier.

 

“What why?” Yuzuru was warm all over and smiled a little at Javier’s flushed cheeks and ruffled hair. “We’re adults and mature. This won’t get in the way of our friendship.” Yuzuru only glanced down quickly but he could already tell how excited Javier was.

 

“We can’t.” A sudden sadness overcame Yuzuru at how quickly that had ended.

 

“Why not?” Javier asked and opened his hands as he walked slowly closer.

 

“Because…” he trailed off and looked at Javier’s dress shoes. Javier slowly lifted Yuzuru’s chin and gave him a smile.

 

“We can choose what happens next Yuzuru, and if you don’t want to continue because it could ruin what we have you shouldn’t worry because we can control the outcome.” That was one reason Yuzuru didn’t want to rush into this, but there was also another one.

 

“It’s not that.” Yuzuru bit his lip and noticed Javier zeroing in on it.

 

“Then what?” Javier was patient and kind and Yuzuru’s chest was about to burst.

 

“My feelings I…” he trailed off into a whisper and Javier’s face changed completely. His hands dropped to his side, his mouth parted slightly, and his eyes widened a little.

 

“You mean…” Javier also trailed off and Yuzuru wanted to laugh because they were never going to finish this conversation.

 

“Yeah.” He said to fill the silence and because he was already this far.

 

“But you told me three years ago.” Javier’s mouth was still slightly open and Yuzuru couldn’t help but think how endearing it was.

 

“Yeah.” He said quietly and averted his eyes.

 

“And all this time you…?” Javier trailed off again and bent his head to catch Yuzuru’s eyes, but he wouldn’t let him.

 

“Yeah.” Yuzuru whispered out and felt a sting in his eyes.

 

“Yuzuru I-”

 

“You don’t have to say anything.” Yuzuru cut Javier off and swallowed down the stone in his throat. The stone that only grew bigger over the years and made it difficult to breathe sometimes.

 

“Shit.” Javier sat down on the bed and looked up at Yuzuru. “I’m sorry Yuzuru I didn’t know.” Yuzuru laughed at the absurdity of what Javier was saying and covered his mouth to stop himself.

 

“Why are you sorry that I’m still in love with you?” the frown on Javier’s face deepened along with the furrow between his brows as he stood up from the bed.

 

“Because I’m still not.” That was only the second time Javier had said that, but the first time he said it still played in Yuzuru’s head every time he thought about love. The tears came so quick his eyes didn’t even sting at first. “[Cariño]().” Javier gasped out softly and Yuzuru felt stupid for his uncontrollable tears that steadily fell down his face.

 

Yuzuru was still pathetic and accepted Javier’s hug too quickly. He didn’t understand how love could hurt so much until he confessed three years ago. Javier unintentionally stabbed him in the heart that November night and tonight he twisted the knife in deeper. Yuzuru inhaled Javier’s scent and cried some more. He didn’t know when they were going to be okay again. It was easier last time because he had confessed in the middle of the season, and when he came back from NHK Javier looked too focused on perfecting his programs to remember Yuzuru’s declaration, or so he thought.

 

- 

_2015, November_

 

Yuzuru was on a high since he broke the three scoring records in Japan. He ignored the twinge of pain in his left foot and nodded at greeting at everyone he passed on his way to the rink. The Grand Prix Final was around the corner and Yuzuru already knew that his competitors had taken note of what he did at NHK, and they were going to bring their best to the next competition.

 

He turned a corner too quickly and smacked into someone.

“Hey watch-” before Javier could finish Yuzuru wrapped his arms around him. “Yuzuru?” Yuzuru laughed and took a step back.

 

“Someone’s in a mood.” Yuzuru crinkled his eyes at Javier and drank him in.

 

“Yeah well not everyone can break records like you.” Javier muttered and Yuzuru felt like someone smacked him in the chest hard. He clenched his jaw and was amazed at how quickly his mood soured.

 

“Yes because no one works as hard as I do.” He didn’t do anything as childish as smacking Javier with his shoulder as he passed him, but it was a close thing.

 

“Yuzuru,” Javier grabbed into his wrist and Yuzuru turned around to face him, “I’m sorry.” Javier let go of Yuzuru’s wrist and bowed to show his apology. Yuzuru bit his lip and tried to hide how touched he was over Javier taking something from his culture to convey a true apology.

 

“[Omedeto]().” He said in his Spanish accent and smiled at Yuzuru like the sun. Yuzuru basked in the warmth Javier gave out and hugged him tightly. “I’m working hard and I’m going to kick your butt in the final.” They both laughed and patted each other on the back. Javier cupped Yuzuru’s face in both hands and time slowed for a few moments. Javier smiled at him and Yuzuru couldn’t help but smile so wide his face hurt. Javier gently patted Yuzuru’s face before he left and Yuzuru followed him with his eyes until he was out of sight.

 

Between celebrating his well-performed skates and the increasing pain in his left foot Yuzuru was worried they wouldn’t get back to the equilibrium they shared all these years. It looked like Javier forgot what Yuzuru had confessed before he went to Japan and for this he was thankful. He needed Javier in his life like he needed air, except Javier didn’t fail him like his lungs did sometimes. Or so he thought.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 涙の味に慣れてしまった – I got used to the taste of tears  
> Cariño – dear/darling/sweetheart (cmiiw I don't speak Spanish)  
> おめでとう/Omedeto – congrats


	3. Everyone can be strong, so can you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the feedback and support on the last chapter 💖!  
> There was supposed to be another chapter before this one buuuut 🤷🏻
> 
> Please consider searching "3. 11" at https://www.yahoo.co.jp/ as 10 Yen gets donated as reconstruction assistance towards natural disaster areas in Japan per search.

_-_

_ぶつかっていいんだ / It's okay to bump into each other_

_泣いたっていいんだ / It's okay to cry_

_どんな明日も苦しいほど / No matter how painful the future will be_

_その命は強く輝く / Your life will shine brightly_

_風に立つ一輪 / One flower stands in the wind_

_僕たちも花になれる / We can become flowers, too_

-

_2019, March_

 

Yuzuru stared at the twinkling lights still on the trees beside the cricket club and squinted his eyes to watch them blur together. The leaves were beginning to flush and the flowers were beginning to bloom despite the cold weather. His breath created a brief fog which disappeared quickly in the crisp air. The twinkling lights shone brightly as the sky darkened, and he could see them clearer now.

 

Worlds was next week and they’d all be flying out soon. He was nervous but prepared, and as Brian always said: he needed to trust his training. He trained hard and followed his doctor’s orders. He was ready! He released a shaky breath and felt the weight on his chest and his shoulders but accepted it. A great sadness overcame him as he looked up and saw faint twinkling lights shining down from the sky. It wasn’t dark enough to see them clearly, but he could see them which counted.

 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Yuzuru?” Javier waved from a couple feet away and made his way home. Yuzuru waved back, still focusing on the stars. “Hey, are you okay?” Yuzuru jumped slightly at Javier’s sudden presence and puffed out a breath. “Sorry.” Javier smiled at him as he sat down and looked up when Yuzuru did.

 

“I’m not sure you’d understand.” Yuzuru whispered out softly to the stars.

 

“That doesn’t mean you can’t tell me” Javier replied back just as quietly. Yuzuru focused on Javier and felt something swell in his chest. It was always on the tip of his tongue but now wasn’t the time to blurt out his feelings. He swallowed them down and looked back up as the stars shone down on them.

 

“Why am I here?” Yuzuru could feel Javier’s confusion but the Spaniard didn’t break the silence. “I was at the right place at the wrong time and I knew the right people but why me?” tears gathered in his eyes as they jumped from star to star. “I fought hard but I’m not the only one. Why did I get to leave?” he whispered out as tears fell out the side of his eyes as he closed them. “When will I do enough to be forgiven?” he choked out and placed his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. He felt a warm hand on his back and swallowed down a sob. “I can never do enough Javi.” The hand slowly rubbed circles into his back as he cried silently.

 

“Why am I here?” he whispered so soft he couldn’t hear himself. It took a few moments for him to stop crying but Javier rubbed his back and sat beside him like a pillar. Javier was one of the many pillars in Yuzuru’s life and he was endlessly grateful to have a support system.

 

“It’s not your fault.” Javier brought Yuzuru into his arms and placed his chin on top of his head. He knew Javier wouldn’t understand.

 

“I know.” Yuzuru whispered out and wrapped his arms around Javier’s waist. “It’s been eight years and it’ll never not be painful. It should never stop being painful. I should remember this forever and carry it with me to make my life meaningful.” Javier rubbed the side of Yuzuru’s arm and pulled him a little closer.

 

“The earthquake?” Javier whispered out softly as if Yuzuru would break at the question. Yuzuru looked up into Javier’s face and nodded. Javier brushed the stray strands of hair out of Yuzuru’s eyes and smiled at him. “Yuzuru, you’re strong. That’s why.” Yuzuru’s breath hitched at the steel in Javier’s voice. He wished it was that simple. It wasn’t because he was strong, it was because he was lucky.

 

Yuzuru looked up at the stars and felt the weight on his chest and his shoulders but accepted it. The stars reminded him of the light that always shone even through dark times. He pressed himself closer to Javier as tears sat in his eyes. He didn’t deserve to be here, but he was going to make every second count – for those who couldn’t.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [translation cr](http://nihongolearner.blogspot.com/2013/01/hana-ni-nare-by-sashida-fumiya-lyrics.html)   
> 


	4. I wonder how many things I can do within the limited time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol at my prediction for Worlds and WTT but I guess that's why this is fiction 🤷🏻  
> 
> 
> This felt like it took years to write but finally: Another one.  
>  ~~hover for translation (only works on desktop)~~

_-_

_2019, Early January_

Yuzuru greeted everyone on his way to the  rink while he ran through his planned practice session in his head. With the help of his team he had planned each practice session ahead of time to ensure that he recover as quick as possible and train as efficiently as possible. After each session he’d have a small chat with Brian to see how he was doing, then study extensively about his condition when he got home. Worlds was his next goal, but so was being healthy enough to stay in competition as long as he chose to – and of course to land the quad Axel with a positive GOE. He had nightmares about never receiving a +5 GOE on his triple Axel under the new scoring system, but that would soon change. 

 

He walked into the rink just as the bell rang, which signalled one of the skaters had completed their run-throughs perfectly, and clapped along with the others. Yuzuru bowed to Brian in greeting and got ready for his skating session – he took out his skating boots and changed his pants while Brian was talking to another student nearby. 

 

“Look at how Javi goes into his Salchow, and if that doesn’t work for you we’ll try something else.” Yuzuru’s head snapped up just in time to see Javier’s quad Salchow. The landing was wobbly but he saved it and stayed on his feet. Brian chuckled and said something to the skater he was talking to but it was all background noise to Yuzuru now. He zeroed in on Javier and smiled slightly as Javier did a twizzle to mark where his quad Salchow would be. Yuzuru quickly began to tie up his skates and was glad that he was seated when a voice made his knees weak and spine tingle. 

 

“Yuzu, how are you?” Yuzuru was blinded by Javier’s smile and almost tripped on his untied laces when he basically ran into Javier’s arms. He gripped onto the Spaniard tightly and everything around them melted away momentarily as he breathed him in. 

 

“You don’t smell.” Javier let out a loud laugh and patted Yuzuru’s back once before they separated. 

 

“Thank you, neither do you.” Yuzuru bit his lip at this and slapped Javier lightly on the arm. 

 

“That’s not what I meant.” He whined out and smiled widely as Javier placed both his hands on Yuzuru’s waist. 

 

“I know. It’s good to see you.” They hugged again but it was interrupted before Yuzuru could again melt into the embrace. 

 

“I know you missed Javi, Yuzu, but this is a practice session not a hugging session. You can have that during your own time.” Javier smirked at Yuzuru and ruffled his hair. 

 

“You missed me?” Javier teased him and Yuzuru glared half-heartedly at Brian. Javier cooed at Yuzuru as he skated away while Brian pointed to Yuzuru’s untied skating laces. 

 

-

After being on the ice for only 20 minutes Yuzuru lost focus the instant Javier took off his pull over. He was wearing a simple t-shirt but Yuzuru almost collided with a pillar when Javier stretched his arms over his head and exposed his lower abdomen. 

 

“Everything okay?” Brian asked half concerned but Yuzuru could see he wanted to laugh. 

 

“Yeah.” He murmured and skated off hoping his cheeks weren’t too pink.

 

Yuzuru took a sip of his water while he ran through his practice session checklist on his phone; he checked off what he had done already, and took note of what he had left to do. He was going to put the next 30 minutes to good use and rolled his ankle to make sure it was still ok. 

 

“A few of us are going out later, do you want to join us?” Yuzuru bit his lip as Javier joined him and hated the look of expected disappointment on Javier’s face before he even opened his mouth to respond. 

 

“Why don’t you come over to mine after practice?” Javier raised his eyebrows in obvious surprise, and Yuzuru admired the slight flush to Javier’s cheeks as he capped his water bottle. 

 

“Yeah, ok. I can take a shower here and we can go together? 15 minutes?” Javier wiped his face with a towel and canted his head. 

 

“I finish in 30 minutes but I can shower at home?” Javier hummed at this and Yuzuru beamed like the sun when Javier nodded his head.

 

“That’s ok. I don’t mind waiting.” Javier smiled at him as he skated backwards and Yuzuru was too distracted he didn’t notice someone skating up to him. 

 

“What’s next on your agenda?” Yuzuru tore his eyes away from Javier doing a camel spin and tilted his head at Brian. “Your plan?” 

 

“A-jen-da.” Yuzuru sounded the word out and nodded while he showed his phone to Brian. “I want to practice all of my spins today and then do a run through of both my programs with no spins or jumps, only steps and twizzles.” Brian read through Yuzuru’s list and nodded as Yuzuru explained what he hoped he could achieve by the end of the practice session. 

 

“Good plan.” Brian smiled and gave him a thumbs up. 

 

15 minutes later just as Yuzuru was going into a quad twizzle Brian called out to him. Yuzuru quickly did his twizzle and skated over to Brian after making a mental note of his form.

 

“That was good.” Yuzuru nodded at Brian and marked his axis with his hands.

 

“Javi’s leaving now, but since it’s his first day back why don’t we take a picture?” Tracy skated over to them and pointed at Joseph who was holding her phone up. Yuzuru nodded and slung his arm around Brian’s waist as Tracy and Javier joined them.

 

“Say cheese.”

 

“Say Javi~” they all laughed as Javier said this and Yuzuru could hear the shutter of the phone as Joseph took the picture.

 

“Javi~” Yuzuru whispered in Javier’s ear and blew the hair at the back of his neck as Tracy checked the picture on her phone. Javier turned around quickly and tried to smack the back of Yuzuru’s head but the Japanese ducked before he could get hit. Yuzuru laughed as Javier began to tickle him and skated away before things could escalate.

 

“Hey, how about one more?” they both laughed as they skated over to Tracy. A few of the other skaters came in closer as Tracy motioned them over and Yuzuru looked around briefly to take in the moment. Javier was back now but before any of them knew it Euros would be here and Javi would be gone. Yuzuru looked at their names hung up on the wall and he was sad that Javier’s name wouldn’t be up there past 2018.

 

Yuzuru was confident he would be up there for Worlds – but he would miss sharing a podium with Javier, and with every year that past it would be more time since their last podium together. It was almost a year since the Olympics, and since that was his dream since he was young the special feeling of sharing the podium, and the whole experience, with Javier would never be again.

 

“Say Javi~” they all laughed as they came together and smiled for the camera.

 

“Okay good job guys, see you tonight Javi.” Javier squeezed Yuzuru’s waist before nodding at Tracy and bidding his goodbye’s for now. Yuzuru knew he wouldn’t be ready for the day that Javier bid his goodbye forever – or at least goodbye to competitive skating.

 

15 minutes later Yuzuru completed both of his program run-throughs and downed the rest of his water. He took a moment to catch his breath and checked off everything on his list. He was satisfied that he could complete his list and sent a short text to Javi to let him know that he’d be out after having a brief talk with Brian and Tracy. 

 

Javier texted back an affirmative and ten minutes later Yuzuru bowed his goodbyes to his coaches. Yuzuru nodded his head goodbye to the receptionist and the automatic doors opened to a chilly afternoon. The Japanese breathed in the crisp air and walked over to Javier who was sitting on the bench table typing on his phone. Yuzuru stopped to just watch Javier sit in his hoodie, beanie, and fingerless gloves. Javier stuck out his bottom lip and Yuzuru let out a laugh which caused Javier to raise his head and give him a smile. 

 

“Is that the gloves I gave you?” Yuzuru walked over to Javier, and the ‘We love Irene’ printed underneath the skating figurine confirmed it was. 

 

“I wanted to wear it but the fingers were bothering me.” Yuzuru let out another laugh at this and sat beside Javier. The other skater gave Yuzuru a big smile and placed his hand at the small of his back. 

 

“We’re ready to go?” Javier asked softly as he rubbed circles into Yuzuru’s back. Yuzuru relaxed and admired Javier’s short curls that were peeking out from underneath his beanie. 

 

“I like your hair.” He whispered out before he could think. Javier gave him a bright smile that almost blinded him and Yuzuru didn’t even care how cold it was outside, Javier’s smile would keep him warm. 

 

“Thank you. I-“ Javier looked at Yuzuru’s hair and brushed some of the strands out of his eyes. “You need a haircut.” He said through his laugh which caused an unamused Yuzuru to shove him. 

 

“Shut up.” Yuzuru murmured as he got up off the bench and made his way home without checking if Javier was following him. 

 

They made small chitchat as they walked to Yuzuru’s home and the Japanese was grateful that Javier hadn’t asked about his ankle yet. It was all anyone spoke to him about since the accident in Russia, and he wanted to have a conversation without the other looking down at his right ankle, as if they could see his condition if they stared long enough. 

 

After having to endure three flights of stairs of Javier whining they finally reached Yuzuru’s door. “You’re an athlete Javi and you can’t walk up steps?” Yuzuru unlocked the door, placed his shoes neatly in the bottom shelf of his shoe rack, and put on his slippers. He took out the guest slippers and dropped it down beside Javier as the Spaniard took off his own shoes and placed them in the bottom shelf beside Yuzuru’s. 

 

“Shit, I’m tired.” Javier ran his hand down his face which caused Yuzuru to giggle behind his hand.

 

“Konnichiwa haha.” Javier’s head snapped up so fast he almost lost his balance as he was putting on his slippers. He put his hand to his chest and glared at Yuzuru as he laughed at him. 

 

“Is your mom actually here?” Javier followed Yuzuru into the kitchen, and watched as he filled the kettle with water, as he took off his jacket.

 

“No, she’s in Japan until next week. Sit.” Yuzuru pointed to the kitchen table and puttered around to make a snack for the two of them. “What would you like?”

 

Javier leaned back in his chair and took off his beanie and gloves. “Anything’s good.” Yuzuru made quick work of fixing a light but nutritious snack for Javier.

 

“Something small for after your hard work today.” Yuzuru placed a plate and cup of tea in front of Javier and sat down adjacent to him.

 

“Thank you.” Yuzuru rested his chin in his hand and sipped his tea while he watched Javier eat. Yuzuru smiled as Javier made satisfied noises as he basically devoured what Yuzuru had prepared.

 

“Are you ready for Euros?” Javier nodded his head with his cheeks too full of food to answer but he took a sip of his tea anyway. Javier took another bite before he answered which made him look like a chipmunk.

 

“Almost.” He answered through his mouthful of food and Yuzuru smiled at him as Javier finished up his snack. “There’s enough time though so I’m not too worried.” Javier gulped down his tea while Yuzuru languidly sipped as his. “Thank you Yuzu.” The Japanese scrunched up his nose at Javier and crinkled his eyes as Javier leaned back in his seat again.

 

“Would you like more?” Javier shook his head and finished off the rest of his tea as he cleaned up the crumbs from around his plate. “I’m glad you enjoyed it.”

 

“I thought you couldn’t cook.” Javier smirked at him as Yuzuru let out a huff.

 

“I can cook.” Yuzuru murmured as he got up and placed their dishes in the sink.

He took out some dessert from the freezer and dished some out for the both of them. “Have you tried mochi ice-cream before?” Javier looked over Yuzuru’s shoulder as he placed the different mochi flavours in bowls for them and tried to pick up one but Yuzuru slapped his hand away. “Wait until I’m done.” Yuzuru scolded through his smile and jolted slightly as Javier huffed a laugh which caused his breath to tickle Yuzuru’s neck. Javier placed his hands on Yuzuru’s waist and tickled his sides a little. Yuzuru jolted and elbowed Javier while he giggled. “Stop distracting me or you won’t get your ice-cream.”

 

“Sorry mom.” Javier said through his laugh as he took a step back while Yuzuru rolled his eyes.

 

-

 _2019, Mid_ _–_ _January_

Yuzuru popped his quad toe and landed on his right foot harder than he expected. A pain shot through his ankle and he swallowed down a wince as he placed his hands on his knees. He bent over and took a few breaths do gather himself. It had been a while since he felt pain like that in his ankle and he was worried that he had reinjured his already healing injury. Someone skated over to him but he ignored them and squeezed his eyes shut.

 

“You did it yesterday Yuzu, you know you can do it.” Javier’s cheery tone grated on Yuzuru’s nerves as he stood up straight and placed most of his weight on his right foot. “Just watch a vid-”

 

“Shut up Javier. I know!” Yuzuru skated over to his skate guards and immediately regretted snapping at Javier. His face scrunched up and he could feel the tears begin to sting his eyes.

 

“Yuzuru, are you okay?” Yuzuru put his skate guards on and Brian’s hand on his back made the dam break.

 

“No it hurts, why does it still hurt?” he sobbed out and squeezed his eyes shut to stop the tears from falling.

 

“Hey, hey, come here.” Brian put his arm around Yuzuru and guided him into his office. “Just breathe Yuzuru, it’s okay.”

 

“It’s not!” Yuzuru cried out and tried to even his shallow breathing. “I don’t know what to do Brian. I don’t know what to do.” He sobbed out unclearly as he sat down to catch his breath. Brian kneeled down in front of him and placed a hand on his knee.

 

“Yuzu-“

 

“I can’t do this anymore.” Yuzuru sniffled and wiped his face with the sleeve of his training gear. He hated the worried look on Brian’s face but the tiredness had overtaken him and he wanted to go home.

 

“What are you saying?” Brian tilted his head to one side and furrowed his eyebrows in concern.

 

“Nothing,” Yuzuru hiccupped as he got up, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

“Yuzuru-”

 

“I’m okay.” _Always okay_. Yuzuru gave Brian a small smile and walked out of the rink and cricket club with his skates still on and his jacket in his arms.

 

-

His phone buzzed again but he was too busy thinking of a specific word to check who it was. Yuzuru had missed practice today but he was pretty sure he was going through an existential crisis so he couldn’t care less. There was a knock at the door and he wanted to tell his mom to leave him alone and let him focus on _not_ writing his thesis, but she was only caring for him.

 

“Hai.” Yuzuru stretched his arms over his head and yelped when he was poked in the side. He jolted slightly and almost fell off his chair when he saw Javi in his doorway.

 

“Hi. You missed practice today and Brian was going to come check on you but I told him I would, because he still has other skaters to coach today and I don’t know you might have felt bad if he ended up-“

 

“Javi, it’s ok.” Yuzuru cut off Javier’s rambling and stood awkwardly beside his desk.

 

“Are you okay?” Javier scratched his ear and avoided Yuzuru’s eyes.

 

“Yes, thank you for asking. I have a lot to catch up on with my…nan desu ka…ronbun…” Yuzuru trailed off and stared at the pages on his desk for a few moments while he put his finger to the side of his head. “Paper?” Yuzuru sat down on his bed and placed a pillow on his lap.

 

“You can talk to me about it if you want to.” Javier sat down on the chair in front of Yuzuru’s desk and waved his hand at the papers and books scattered on the desk beside him.

 

“I don’t know how to say a lot of the words in English.” Yuzuru smiled as Javier scrunched up his nose and furrowed his eyebrows as he tried to read the Japanese text and equations Yuzuru knew he couldn’t understand.

 

“I didn’t say I have to understand.” Javier put the paper he was holding back down and stood up only to sit next to Yuzuru. “It’s only to get it off your chest.” Javier played with the ruffles on the pillow Yuzuru was holding and smiled at Yuzuru when he didn’t get an immediate response.

 

“Gaman dekinai.” Yuzuru swallowed through the lump in his throat and willed the sting in his eyes away. He was not going to cry in front of Javier. “I...” he inhaled shakily and tried to even his breathing. “I don’t know what to do.” He whispered out and avoided looking at Javier.

 

“About skating?” Yuzuru nodded and ran his hands over the ruffles attached to the pillow. “You can retire if you want.” Yuzuru’s head snapped up at this and widened his eyes at the suggestion. “You don’t owe it to anyone to keep skating.”

 

“But I love it.” he whispered out and wondered if that was enough. Getting injured again arose some doubts in his mind, as it always had, but this time seemed different. Was Javier right?

 

“You don’t have to decide now. Everyone knows how much you want to skate at Worlds again, but after that? It’s up to you. Not your coaches, not your mom, and not your fans.” Yuzuru was more confused than he’d ever been in his life. Skating was a constant he could always rely on and he was scared at having that constant end. But Javier was making him feel better. He didn’t mean to do it but the next thing he knew he had leaned over and planted a kiss on Javier’s mouth. The Spaniard pulled away so quickly he fell off the bed.

 

“Um…I…uh” Javier stammered out through his laugh and stood up from the floor quickly. “I should go and I’ll see you tomorrow at practice?”

 

“Yeah sorry…I, um, I’ll also see you. At practice.” Yuzuru stammered out as he stood up from the bed, and hoped his cheeks weren’t as pink as they felt.

 

“Yeah it’s okay. I hope you feel better.” Javier waved his hand through the air and obviously tried _not_ to avoid Yuzuru’s eyes.

 

“Yeah. Thank you for coming over.” Yuzuru bowed slightly – mostly to hide his burning cheeks from Javier.

 

“Of course, anytime.” Javier laughed too loud and waved awkwardly. He almost smacked into the door when he turned around too quickly and laughed a little, too loud again.

 

-

Yuzuru admired Javier’s deep edges as he skated into his Salchow and almost gasped at how perfect the jump was executed. Brian shouted out and clapped as Javier landed another jump at the other end of the rink. His choreography between the jumps had increased since Yuzuru last saw Javier skate this program. He spun into his finishing pose and the bell rang loudly in the rink. Some skaters clapped while some patted Javier on his back in congratulations. 

 

Not only did Javier complete his free skate program without missing a step, jump, or spin, but it was the first time he completed it at all since he came back. Javier was bent down with his hands on his knees and Yuzuru huffed a laugh from across the benches. The 30 second cut of the free program was annoying Javier so much that everyone had heard about how much it was annoying since he came back to Toronto at least once. 

 

“It’s hard work but it’ll be worth it in two weeks’ time. You’re not 100% ready for Europeans but luckily we have enough time.” Javier stood up straight and nodded at Brian while he placed his hands on hips. Yuzuru ensured that his laces were secured before he got off the bench and bowed down to touch the ice. He took off his skate guards and placed them beside Brian, and nodded at both he and Javier in greeting. 

 

“Yuzuru what did you think?” Yuzuru stopped the speed he had gained with his toe pick and turned around to face Javier. 

 

“More work but you can do it before Euros.” He said flatly before he turned around and skated away while Brian laughed in the background. Yuzuru started his practice session doing stroking exercises but paced himself since he still felt pain, but that was normal for the stage of rehab he was in. 

 

He came to a stop at the side of the rink opposite the benches and looked up at the plaques that had his name engraved onto them. He was a two time Olympic champion and seeing it every time gave him that extra motivation to work hard and try his best. He didn’t like having only two World Championships plaques, but that was more fuel to further motivate him to complete his rehab properly. He wanted to go to Worlds and skate in Japan. Spring would come soon along with Worlds, and so would he. 

 

“How much work does my free need, couch?” Yuzuru scrunched up his nose at Javier as the other skater joined him. 

 

“Do you want to win?” Javier laughed at this and stared at his name plaques that were hung up. 

 

“I’d like to. But I want to finish with a good skate.” Yuzuru forced a smile. It still saddened him when he remembered that Javier was finished. This would be his last competition and he would move back to Spain indefinitely. Every time Javier practiced his programs Yuzuru felt nostalgic and was always brought back to the days when Javier used both of them in competition. The free program was especially nostalgic to Yuzuru as it was the one that had helped push and motivate him to get his 2nd gold in PyeongChang.

 

Yuzuru nodded and smiled as Javier’s eyes crinkled as he laughed at something Brian was doing. He stifled a yawn and thought about the kiss they shared the day before. Javier’s reaction wasn’t outright negative, and that had kept Yuzuru up all night thinking maybe there could be more between them than what they currently had. He took a few deep breaths and did what he always did best: overcome his fears. He was going to ask Javier out on a date. He had practiced in front of the mirror before he came into practice and wrote it down several times to ensure he wasn’t misunderstood. He had thought about it the whole night and couldn’t stop remembering the couple of seconds Javier’s lips were on his.

 

“Javi,” Yuzuru started and smiled as Javier focused his attention on him, “about yesterday,” he continued, as he brushed his hair to the side and softened his voice, “would you like to-”

 

“Yeah about yesterday we should probably forget it ever happened?” Javier cut Yuzuru’s hopes of them being together with a sentence like a knife.

 

“Yeah.” Yuzuru said, a little high pitched, while he nodded his head. “That’s exactly what I was going to say.” He faked a laugh and slapped Javier on the back. “You do have a girlfriend so…” Yuzuru shrugged his shoulders as he trailed off.

 

“Well, I actually don’t anymore.” Javier rubbed the back of his neck and avoided looking Yuzuru in the eye. “And I’m not into you that way, we’re friends.” Javier smiled at Yuzuru and clapped him on the back.

 

“Right.” Yuzuru croaked out. _Friends_. Yuzuru could feel his eyes begin to sting and didn’t want Javier to see him cry. He really was stupid. Yuzuru turned around to get back to practice but Javier grabbed his arm before he could gain any distance, and he turned around with a smile on his face.

 

 “Are you okay?” Javier had a small furrow between his eyebrows that Yuzuru didn’t like to see. He widened his smile and crinkled his eyes the way he did in front of the media.

 

“Of course,” he shrugged his shoulders and patted Javier softly on the shoulder. “I need to go back to training. We should both get back to training.” He smiled and nodded his head at Javier.

 

“Yeah, sure, if you’re ok-”

 

“Yes I am.” Yuzuru dislodged his arm from Javier’s grip and skated to his phone to check the list he had prepared the day before. He shook his head to clear his mind and gave himself a little pep talk. He was training to become the World Champion once again and he wasn’t going to let anything distract him. He was good at that. He could push people away and focus on winning like he had done in the past – Javier wasn’t going to be around after Europeans anyway.

 

Yuzuru closed his eyes and took a deep breath before he read through his list. He had visited the doctor before his practice session, and they had both concluded to be able to practice at a higher level he had to go back on painkillers. At the moment no-one else knew, except his mother, and he wanted to keep it that way until he started training like the champion he knew he was going to be. The bell rang out in the rink and he made it his goal to hear that after his own run-through before the end of the week.

-

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> こんにちは/Konnichiwa: hello  
> 母/Haha: mom  
> はい/Hai: yes  
> なんですか/Nandesuka: what is it?  
> 論文/Ronbun: paper/thesis  
> 我慢 できない/Gaman dekinai: I can’t take it (anymore)


End file.
